Written by: Man ManKambugua E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org Facebook: Man Man Kambugua
Topic: Lend me your ears
For those who have been following my writings over the years, they can recall that I used to have a friend I used to call ‘Papa Ajasco’ who had come from the land of ‘Hakuna Matata’. By then he was sixty-five years old. After some time, we lost communication with each other, regrettably. Strangely enough, not even his friends knew where he went to for more than ten years.
I was in East London the other day when I saw an old man with a long, white beard sitting in a corner enjoying his drink. Upon looking at him closely, I realised that it was Papa Ajasco! Wow! I was so excited, so was he. The first question I asked him was where he had been all that time.
“Man Man, only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches,” he said. He then looked up and tears formed in his eyes. It was at this moment that I realised that he must have gone through an unpleasant experience. After taking five bottles of beer, he opened, and he told me his story: –
It happened that Papa Ajasco’s relationship with the wife was having problems by then. It had had become so bad that for two years, his wife and him had not shared a bed. One day, he went online and started to chat with an exceptionally beautiful girl who was twenty-four years. With time the girl convinced Papa Ajasco that even if she had never seen him, her love for him was all over her veins and that she could not wait to see him, hold him tight, kiss him before going for a candle lit dinner in a posh hotel in the city. Papa Ajasco on the other hand could not wait to hold her even though he was three times older than her. According to him, ‘He was a quintessential African man who was not circumcised for one woman only.’
As time went on, Papa Ajasco and the young girl were communicating daily, and love was in the air. He did not mind sending her some few ££s now and then to cement their love. I remember Papa Ajasco telling me that for that time, he felt loved since every other sentence from the young girl was ‘Ajas my honey, Darling, sweetheart’ and all manner of exotic names that made a man with white hair behave like a teenager. Interestingly, in their conversations, the girl was looking forward to being married by his highness The Papa Ajasco on condition that he helped her to come and live abroad. Why not?
In one Christmas break, Papa Ajasco decided to go for holiday in Kenya to meet his young lover. It was a good idea to escape from the harsh winter cold to go and demonstrate the anger of his love to the young girl. To impress her, he bought her many presents, especially perfumes. He also bought himself nice perfumes too so that when with his girl, he would not smell like an ox but as a young man who had come from the then 4th greatest nation on earth.
When the plane touched down Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, it was all smiles because he knew that he would finally spend a night with his young lover. He looked around and saw his lover waiting for him where they hugged as if they had known each other for ages. From the airport to the city, every other word was ‘Sweetheart this…Sweetheart that…My love…. honey.’ as the taxi cruised on the road.
While in London, he had booked a certain hotel within the city for one day. The young lady had convinced him that due to her village upbringing, she was not used to staying in posh hotels and that she would not feel comfortable. To her, she wanted a place where Papa Ajasco would treat her like a lady for her to treat him like a King. They agreed that they would spend the first night in the chosen hotel and if she liked it, they would continue staying there until he returned to England.
The only thing that Papa Ajasco avoided while in the hotel was going for swimming with his young lover. This was because everybody would see that his seventy-five-year-old navel, as compared to that of his young lover looked as if it belonged to a fossil that refused to be extinct.
Since the girl was uncomfortable staying in the hotel, she suggested that they stay in another hotel that was ten kilometres away from the city. A lover who reasons is no lover, so Papa Ajasco agreed to move to the hotel of the girl’s choice. When the gate to the ‘Hotel’ was opened, it was more of a guest house than a hotel. They found a young man at the reception who gave them the keys then went away after wishing them the best stay. They went to the kitchen and made some coffee to make them relax…and guess what? They relaxed…and relaxed… then fell asleep. The next minute they woke up, it was already 8pm. Papa Ajasco had an urgent urge to go to the toilet so, still in his underpants, he followed the corridor that led to the toilets. In the sitting room, he suddenly heard people talking as they watched TV. When they saw him, they all started laughing at him.
“Hi you intelligent, old man! Go finish your business then come here, right here!” they said in chorus as they loaded their pistols and put them on the table.
“Who are you?” asked Papa Ajasco.
“We are who we are you mother XXX! You will know who we are in a minute! Go do your number one or two, even if you want to give birth, do it! We are waiting for you here honey!” they said. Meanwhile, Papa Ajasco was almost wetting his pants. He entered the toilet and wondered whether he was dreaming. After staying in the toilet for ten minutes wondering what to do, one of the strange people in the house reminded him that he was taking too long irrespective of whoever he was. Finally, the truth dawn on him that he had been trapped when his young lover joined the strangers in telling him to cooperate or else, he become past tense. Since he did not want to die, he came out and was hence taken to the sitting room where he joined the other five strangers, all men. He was served with fruit juice which he was forced to drink. From that time, he lost his sense of reasoning.
He watched as all his travelling bags were put in a waiting vehicle. He was then asked to dress up and then was taken to the nearest ATMS where he was asked to withdraw the money. He could only withdraw kes. 40k in a single day. All what he remembers is that he stayed in the godforsaken house until all his accounts were depleted off all the money. The supposed ‘lover’ was the one who was withdrawing the money. After all his possessions were taken, he was driven out of the homestead where he was left naked in a dangerous forest where many people had been found murdered. To date, it is still a dangerous forest.
By good luck, motorists saw Papa Ajasco walking naked and stopped their car and had a word with him. They did not need to be rocket scientists to know that he was a victim of kidnapping. They gave him a piece of cloth to cover himself and he immediately regained his reasoning. He was driven to Police station to report and record a statement.
To cut the wrong story short, Papa Ajasco, by the grace of God was able to come back to England but had learned a big lesson in life; that he could never trust anybody especially on love related matters.
Whenever you are in your motherland, just know that you are surrounded by hyenas. There is a misconception among your friends, relatives and the society that money abroad falls from the sky where you just collect. When you have money, you always look beautiful or handsome even if your head is the size and shape of a coconut. People are in love with your money not you. If you are in a long distant relationship with somebody you hardly know, think again. When you arrange to meet when you go for holiday, watch your steps. Like Papa Ajasco, there might be people hired to eliminate you if you do not cooperate. Your friends in social media like face book are not real friends. My friend Michael has this advise for people in diaspora, “Whenever you are involved in a financial transaction, do not use emotions but facts.” If you are always sending money abroad to someone you do not know, think again. Put your best foot forward and stop it today! By the time you realise that love was fake, you will be incredibly old, just waiting to die.
Unknown to you, you have very many enemies in form of your so-called friends and relatives. Some of them would not mind removing you from the face of the earth. In this regard, know who you are spending time with, be mysterious in that nobody can track your movements. In your mind, assume that everybody is a thief even when they wear the face of saints. Personally, the person who conned me most money looked as if he was spending nights in Heaven and coming for breakfast on Earth. My father told me that I should never trust those men who laugh and talk at the same time. Believe you me, I have been to the holiest of the holiest places on earth where the Tour guide told me that in those places, there were pick pockets. If holy places can have people committing crime, what of the places where you visit which at times smell goat urine?
Finally, I told Papa Ajasco that whatever happened to him was past tense and that he was lucky that he was not murdered. I advised him to live every day as if it were his last day on earth because one day it will be. Before he loves again, he will think twice. Listen to me; A leopard’s skin is incredibly beautiful, but not his heart. As you make your bed, so you must lie upon it.